Ok, so the only reason I'm writing this post is to stop myself from running into Gracie's room, picking her up and hugging her tight. It's night 1 of letting her cry it out and it is harder than giving birth to her in the first place. I sat on the kitchen floor rocking myself back and forth reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby" by Marc Weissbluth M.D reassuring myself that I'm doing this for her good, allowing her to learn how to fall asleep alone because I can't rock her to sleep until she's 40. I read this book, all 457 pages in 2 days. Obviously I am desperate. Every nap, every traffic jam, every elevator ride, I was reading this book. I was introduced to Baby-Wise before Gracie was born and studied (even took notes!) and tried to implement it but I think as a first-time parent I was unsure of myself, didn't feel secure in hearing her cry and couldn't stand it myself. That plus multiple moves and no true place of her own lead up to a 10 month old baby who had NEVER slept through the night. We eventually did everything the book told us not to. We even began bringing her into our bed when she woke at 2am because I was desperate for sleep. I don't know why I'm writing past tense, hopeful I guess. PS. I think if we use the book with the next baby it will work.
I put her down drowsy and ofcourse she woke when her head hit the mattress (not actually hit, just the figure of speech...just to be clear). I closed the door, proceed to the kitchen and cried myself. 16 minutes later it was silent. 20 minutes later I tiptoed in to check on her. It looked like a tornado had hit the crib. I had a few blankets hanging off the crib and a little container of toys that she plays with after she wakes up from naps. So anyways she was lying in a heap of blankets surrounded by toys with her little bottom stuck up in the air. I placed the blanket on her and tiptoed out. 30 minutes later the cries start up again and last for a good 20 minutes. As I frantically read on the kitchen floor stuffing my face with pepperoni and pineapple pizza I find myself on the verge of walking into her room and then it stops.
So that's where I'm at now. I don't know when she is going to cry, if she's going to cry and how I'm going to handle it. That's why I'm writing, persuading myself I'm doing the right thing, she'll be okay and she is being watched over by her Heavenly Father through it all. I know 46 minutes of crying doesn't sound like alot to people who have never experienced it but those 46 minutes felt like 46 hours.
I am aware that this may make no sense to some people and if I weren't a God-fearing woman I would probably never admit to this situation because it makes me feel like a failure as a mother but I'm sure there's other moms our there going through this very thing and feel alone. You're not and I'm not alone in this. I have a prayer taped up on her door asking the Lord to camp his angels around her crib and lay his soothing hand upon her just to remind myself that all this is in His hands. He created her and knows every part of her being.
So, there it is...the ugly sad truth. My baby doesn't sleep and we're working on fixing the problem but in the end we know that this is in God's hands. Any prayers will be greatly accepted!
PS. If you do not agree with the cry it out method because you think it's cruel and unnatural feel free to keep your comments to yourself. I'm sure you have very good reasons but I do not want to hear them :)
Ashley
